


And If My Heart Should Somehow Stop

by AbandonShip



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alpha Scott McCall, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Character Development, Blood, Bullying, Comfort, Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cutting, Depressed Stiles, Derek Comes Back, Derek Misses Stiles, Derek and Stiles are Mates, Dreams, Drowning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Hurt, Hurt!Derek, Hurt!Stiles, Hurt/Comfort, Knives, Language, M/M, Mild Comic Relief, Mild Humor, Movie Nights, Multi, Nightmares, Other, Pack Dynamics, Pack Family, Pack Feels, Pain, Pining, Puppy Piles, SCOTT AND STILES BROMANCE IS LEGEND...WAIT FOR IT...DARY, Sad, Scott saves Stiles, Season 3, Season 3 Spoilers, Self-Harm, Set After Season 3 Part A Finale, Stiles misses Derek, Stiles tries to kill himself, Suicide Attempt, Water, bisexual!Stiles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-22
Updated: 2013-08-22
Packaged: 2017-12-24 07:08:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/936868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbandonShip/pseuds/AbandonShip
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after Season 3A finale. </p><p>While the rest of the pack is happy, Stiles isn’t feeling quite as blissful:</p><p>“I think…there’s something wrong with Stiles.” Derek tells her. He puts a hand over his burning chest, feeling a deep sadness in him.</p><p>He grunts out in horrible pain and puts his hands on his knees.</p><p>“What? How do you know?” Cora asks.</p><p>“I JUST KNOW.” Derek ends up yelling. There’s a silence between them.</p><p>“...Is he your mate?” Cora asks awkwardly.</p><p>Derek groans out in pain again and nods aggressively at her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And If My Heart Should Somehow Stop

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: THIS FIC CONTAINS A SUICIDE ATTEMPT, SELF HARM AND DROWNING.
> 
> Special Thanks: To my sister Liz for helping with the plot and well basically everything else.  
> Hope you enjoy! :)

Sheriff Stilinski would be worried about his son if he wasn't out of town. Stiles hasn’t been out of the house much since Derek and Cora left. He lies in his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. His eyelids grow heavy and he falls asleep accidentally. He dreads sleep now because of all the nightmares he's been having. The worst part is being unable to tell the difference between reality and nightmare.

Stiles misses the dreams where his mom gives him advice. Claudia helped him cope with his thoughts, problems, and feelings. He'd update her on the things she’s missed. She'd always reply with the same sweet things she used to say. His dreams used to be about normal everyday stuff. Then everything changed when Scott became a werewolf. His life became about werewolves, the pack, monsters, life-and-death situations, crimes, suspects, and mysteries. Even his feelings for Derek came up a lot too.

He misses the dreams where Claudia sits in the front pew, watching him enter the auditorium. He sees his best men to the left side of the wedding arch, Scott and Danny; right next to him is his maid of honor, Allison. The groom waits on the opposite side, his best men, Isaac, Aiden and Ethan close beside him. Lydia is parked in the center of the aisle, holding a bible. Mr. Stilinski links arms with his son and guides him down the aisle. The groom turns around with his fingers neatly interlaced behind his back. Derek’s eyes lock with Stiles’, their warm smiles lighting up the church.

 

Everything seems to be going fine after the whole Jennifer Blake ordeal. The pack’s gotten closer than ever. Danny and Lydia are sort of back together with the alpha twins, Isaac and Allison may have something more developing between each other, and Stiles, well he’s got Scott.

While the rest of the pack is happy, Stiles isn’t feeling quite as blissful.

“You okay?” Scott asks.

“Yeah,” Stiles replies. “It’s just - doesn’t it feel like there’s something missing?”

Stiles never thought in a thousand years he’d pine for Derek. He wishes the Hales hadn’t left. The recent nightmares haven’t been helping very much either.

“What do you mean?” Scott asks.

“About the pack,” Stiles tells him. “I feel like there’s something missing about the pack.”

“Like what?” Scott questions further.

“Never mind,” Stiles shrugs it off.  

How could he tell Scott he missed Derek without making it obvious he’s head over heels in love with guy?  Derek and Cora are pack to him…but were they to anybody else? There isn’t a day that goes by that Derek doesn't cross his mind. 

Every now and then, he’ll text Derek to ask how things are going with Cora. He never answers.

 

“Stiles seems a little down lately,” Scott tells Allison, Lydia, Isaac, Danny and the twins. “So make sure to give him your full support if he needs someone to talk to.”

“We should do something nice for him,” Ethan says.

“Yeah,” Aiden agrees.

“What about a pack movie night?” Allison suggests.

“We can throw it at my house!” Lydia tells them.

“I’ll bring the movies and snacks!” Danny exclaims.

Lydia later informs Stiles through text that the pack will be having a movie night this upcoming Saturday at noon.

 

“Hey Stiles!” Lydia opens the front door to her home. Stiles is the last to arrive. “Everybody’s downstairs!” She leads him down the steps to the basement.

“Stiles,” Danny slaps him on the back and throws an arm around his shoulder. “How’s my favorite lab partner doing?”

“Okay, I guess.” Stiles answers. “How are you?”

“Great, thanks!” Danny tells him. “I brought the first three Star Wars movies since Scott’s never seen them before!”

“Episode IV, right?” Stiles asks.

“Yep,” Danny says.  “The old ones are the best! Especially if we want to get Scott into it.”

“Are you ready to have your world turned upside down, Scott?” Stiles asks as Danny sets the movie up.

“Totally.” Scott plops down in between Aiden and Stiles on the couch. Lydia manages to squeeze in next to Aiden. Allison, Isaac, Danny and Ethan snuggle up in front of the couch. They all sit beside each other, leaning their weight onto one another and creating a giant puppy pile. They manage to watch all three Star Wars movies together. Stiles is already feeling tons better with his best friends snuggled up close to him. It makes him feel safe and secure. The pack does it again the next day to finish up the prequels.

Stiles would return home, only to sink back into depression again.

 

Stiles remembers what Deaton told them. He had said they'd have a darkness around their hearts when they came back from sacrificing themselves to save their parents. The darkness seems to become more profound as time goes on.

 

He starts to feel more and more worthless when he goes to school. Kids will pick on him and feed off his hurt reactions. Stiles doesn’t bother standing up for himself ever since Derek left. However, his best friend is always there to stand up for him when they shove him into the lockers or book him in the hallway. Scott ends up getting into a nasty fight with them, and a detention. Stiles can’t help but feel like it's his fault. That’s when Stiles starts to question the world around him - whether or not everything that’s gone wrong in Beacon Hills is his fault or not. That's when the cutting starts.

Sure, there have been times when Stiles thought about hurting himself but he's never he acted upon them. He only cuts in places people aren’t likely to see them. He finds relief from the pain. He knows it's an unhealthy method but it helps him cope with the feelings he can’t express to anyone. How would everyone feel if he came out as bisexual? How would the pack feel if they knew Stiles is in love with Derek? For years, he’s been keeping secrets and he’s growing tired of it. He feels like his whole life is a lie. Stiles can't take it anymore.

           

One day, Scott isn't there to defend him from the bullies. Stiles is feeling emptier than he’s ever felt in his life. There’s no hope left for him and nobody cares. Nobody wants to be around a stupid, annoying, hyperactive teenager. His whole life had been missing something before he met Derek. Derek is the air that he breathes. The reason he gets up every day feeling whole and the happiest he's felt since his mom died…and now the wolf is gone. He goes home feeling number than ever before. Suddenly it all makes sense to him. The world would be a better place without him in it. Everything is his fault, and that this is the only solution to all of the problems.

Stiles sobs in horrible pain as he drags the blade across his wrists. He carries a heavy weight into the water-filled bathtub to ensure that he won't be able fight back when his body fights back for air. Stiles doesn't bother taking one last breath as he closes his eyes and lets the water take him. The weight presses down on his body and fully submerges him to the bottom of the bathtub.

The air goes out of his lungs. He barely thrashes about as his body refuses to take the water in. Finally, when he can’t hold off any longer, he inhales water. His clotting wrists slowly ooze into the bathwater. He tastes the terrible bitterness of his own blood. The water burns down the back of his throat and his chest feels like it's being compressed. His lungs feel as if they’ve been set on fire. Everything becomes heavy and then there's a sudden sense of peace.

 

Scott drives his motorcycle over to his house. He's been wanting to hang out with him for a while now. Normally, they walk into each others houses like they live there - like they’re brothers. They rarely ask permission to go over anymore. He parks his bike on the driveway and enters his home. Suddenly, the scent of blood hits his senses. He isn't able to pick up a heartbeat in house as he frantically tracks down the scent to the upstairs bathroom.

The light is on and there’s a bloody knife on the counter. In the mirror, he sees a water-filled bathtub with a body in it.

“STILES!” Scott’s heart drops to the pit of stomach as he runs into the bathroom. 

Scott instantly lifts the weight off of him.  He isn’t sure why the water is bloody until he heaves Stiles out of the tub and lays him onto the floor. His wrists have been slit open and he isn’t breathing. Scott calls the police before tightly tying towels around his wrists to lessen the bleeding. He performs CPR to keep his blood circulation going till help arrives and takes his best friend to the hospital.

Scott calls up his pack and informs them about Stiles.

 

Meanwhile, Derek stops in his tracks behind his little sister.

“Derek, what is it?” Cora comes to a halt.

“I think…there’s something wrong with Stiles.” Derek tells her. He puts a hand over his burning chest. He feels a deep sadness.

He bends over and puts his hands on his knees as he grunts out in horrible pain.

“What? How do you know?” Cora asks.

“I JUST KNOW!” Derek ends up yelling. There’s a silence between them.

“...Is he your mate?” Cora asks.

Derek groans in pain again and nods aggressively at her. 

The wolf can feel his phone ring in his back pocket but he doesn’t answer it. He's too concentrated on whether Stiles is alright or not. Then Cora’s phone rings. She takes it out and sees that Scott’s calling her.

“Is Stiles okay?” Cora picks up the phone.

“How…did you know?” Scott asks, his voice cracking.

“I’ll explain later,” Cora says. “Is Stiles okay?”

“He…he tried to…kill himself…” Scott sobs into the phone.

Their faces sadden with fearfulness.

“We’re on our way,” Cora tells him and hangs up.

 

“Don’t worry,” Scott tells Sheriff Stilinski over the phone. “I’ll be here all night.”

The pack’s out in the waiting room. Their faces flushed from crying over the devastating news.

“Why is his Dad late?” Allison asks.

“His flight got delayed because of the weather.” Lydia explains.

“Sorry we’re late.” Aiden apologizes as he walks in with Ethan and Danny.

“How is he doing?” Danny asks.

“He’s still unconscious,” Isaac frowns.

“Who found him?” Ethan asks.

“Scott did,” Lydia says.

 

Derek bursts through the hospital entrance. Cora follows closely behind him. Both look panicked.

“Where is he?” Derek asks frantically.

Scott leads Derek and Cora to the hospital room.

The wolf's heart drops when he sees his human in the hospital bed, unconscious and bandaged up.

Scott has a difficult time explaining to them what happened. He can't tell the horror story from start to finish without shedding tears and sobbing.

“You and the pack can go home if you want,” Derek offers, sitting down in the chair beside the bed. “I’ll be here when he wakes up.”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” Scott considers. It takes him a long while to make the decision. “We’ve be here a long time, I suppose....the pack could use a break.”

“You too, Cora” Derek hands her the car keys.

“Are you sure, Derek?” She asks, glancing over at Stiles and then back at him. Her older brother nods at her.

“I’ll let his Dad know you’re here,” Scott says. “You better call us first thing if he wakes up though.”

“I will,” Derek promises.

“We’ll be back, hopefully soon.” Scott leaves with Cora beside him.

 

Stiles instantly catches Derek’s gaze when he opens his eyes. It takes him a moment to realize that he isn’t in heaven. His mom’s still gone and he’s still alive…but Derek’s here with him. The wolf sits hunched over in the wooden chair to the side of the hospital bed. He’s never seen Derek look so sad before. They don’t say anything; they just stare at each other for a long time.

Suddenly Derek clenches his jaw and closes his fists tightly. Stiles is thirty-two percent sure Derek might kill him. The wolf stands up, picks it his chair up with one arm, and hurls it across the room. It hits the wall and smashes into pieces.  Stiles knows Derek too well to be surprised by this. He barely has time to react as Derek storms out of the room.

 

“Stiles, so glad to see you’re awake!” Melissa comes in to check on him. “Look, I'm always here to listen if you ever need someone to talk to.”

“I know” Stiles says softly. He can’t believe he’s alive.

“I’m going to call the others and tell them you’re awake.” Melissa tells him. She's about to leave when she notices the broken chair in the corner of the room. She glances back over at Stiles. “Derek?”  Melissa guesses.

Stiles nods at her.

           

He hears a herd of quiet footsteps walking down the hospital hallway. Scott, Allison, Isaac, Lydia, Danny, Aiden and Ethan walk into his room. They quietly stare at him, and Stiles stares back. Seeing all of them at once is overwhelming and too much for Stiles to handle right now. His heart and breathing starts racing. He can feel a panic attack starting.

“Why are you all in here?!” Melissa rushes in the room. “I told you to come in one at a time! Weren’t you listening?” She’s never looked so fed up with them. “It’s overwhelming with this many people!”

Stiles watches Melissa guide the pack out of the room. “Go home! All of you! Except you Scott! You stay.” Melissa demands. Stiles overhears her telling him to be there for Stiles if he needs someone to talk to and not to say anything stupid. Stiles already knows that Scott would've watched out for him and respected him anyways - without any directions from anybody.

Scott returns to the room to sit at his bedside. Neither of them say a word.

 

The sheriff manages to visit him in the afternoon the next day. He doesn’t know why he expected to see him angry. Stiles should’ve known his father would be miserable. It adds to the shameful thoughts he’s been feeling since the pack came in yesterday. He made everyone so scared and worried. One at a time, his father and the pack come by to visit him daily, even Cora. He doesn’t bother asking about Derek. Not that he’s really talking to them at all to begin with.

Derek never returns to the hospital to see Stiles again. This shouldn’t faze him at all. Besides who wants to be around someone who’s fucked up in the head like he is?

           

Stiles eventually gets out of the hospital and returns home. His father is really good about it. He secures the house and eliminates all the elements Stiles might be able to hurt himself with. He drives Stiles places for him, to school, to therapy and back. As time goes on, they go back to doing normal things like Lacrosse and pack meets.  
  
Derek never shows.

 

 Scott is over at his house playing video games with him.

“Why’d you pause it?” Scott asks. 

“I want to talk about it,” Stiles states.

“Okay,” Scott says. “I want to listen.”

“Remember that darkness Deaton told us about?” Stiles asks. Scott nods his head slowly. “I can feel it.”

There’s a long moment of silence between them.

“Me too,” He replies.

“Y-You can?”

“I think Allison can too,” Scott sighs. “Both of us have been acting different.”

“I think that was part of it,” Stiles tries to relax. “And I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not.” There’s another pause.

“You’re in love with Derek, huh?” Scott says. Stiles’ jaw drops open. How could he possibly know? “The pheromones make it really obvious.”

“Oh,” Stiles utters. “Wow…so you guys have known a while?”

“Yeah,” He confirms.

 

Since the Hales left, Stiles isn’t sure just how many times he’s been back here. He walks up to the loft door and stands in front of it, hesitating for a long moment before he slides it open and enters. He almost forgets to close it behind him.

Raindrops dribble down the glass of the enormous window. Derek stands at the table, his back facing it. The wolf’s head is sagged, his hands gripping the edge of the table. Derek looks like a piece of shit. His skin is ill colored and there's bags under his eyes like he hasn’t slept in days. Slowly he tilts his head up to see Stiles standing ten feet away from him. The light seems to come back to his eyes.

They make eye contact. Except this time, Derek isn’t hurling a chair into the wall and breaking it. For a long moment, they stand there staring at each other - no words spoken. Stiles can barely recall what he’s been planning to say to him.

“I’m sorry,” Stiles begins his speech. He had rehearsed it in his car on his way over. “I understand that you don’t want me around anymore. So this me saying goodbye…I guess.” He turns his back on him and starts to head towards the door to leave. Then he remembers the nights in the hospital he waited for Derek to visit him. Anger boils up inside of him. He stops in his tracks, turns his head, and chokes out “It just would’ve been nice if you had said it your fucking self.”

Derek tightens his grip on the edge of the table as Stiles continues his way to the door.

“I don’t want you to go away ever, Stiles,” Derek utters quietly.

“What did you say?” Stiles whirls around to look at him. He knows exactly what the wolf said but wants to hear it again.

“I said I don’t want you to ever go away,” Derek repeats, looking back down at the table. There's another long silence. The only noise in the room is the rain trickling down the window. “It’s my fault, Stiles.” Derek blames himself. “I never should’ve left Beacon Hills.”

“No, no, no, no, no” Stiles' heart drops. He rushes up and around the table. He hesitates a bit before taking Derek’s face into his hands. He tilts his head up to look him in the eyes. “It’s not your fault, Derek, it’s mine…it’s my fault.”

Derek presses their foreheads together for a good while. Eventually, he looks him up in his eyes and kissing him deeply.

The wolf leads him over to the living room. Derek grabs a blanket and a pillow off the couch and sets it up on the wooden floor. They lie down on it together.

“Please don’t leave me.” Derek wraps an arm around him, pulling him close into his side.

“I’m right here.” Stiles curls an arm around Derek’s torso and rests his cheek on his chest.

“I need you here.” Derek kisses him on the top of his head.

“I’ll never leave you.” Stiles reaches up to kiss him on the lips before settling back down again.

And then they fall asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I based the title off of the song below! I thought the lyrics fit really well with this fic.  
> I recommend this song to everyone! It's really beautiful! It was also used in the Pilot episode of Teen Wolf! 
> 
> "And If My Heart Should Somehow Stop" By James Vincent McMorrow:  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0O0Avz-aO0
> 
> The song lyrics:  
> http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jamesvincentmcmorrow/andifmyheartshouldsomehowstop.html


End file.
